I never dreamed in a million years, I’d wake up one day pregnant. It happened to me and each time was completely different.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was all about the books,magazines, and watching reality tv shows about giving birth and the joys of parenthood…blah blah blah all the good stuff you see on tv.

I was about 20 weeks into my pregnancy and hadn’t even finished one of the baby books..(I’m a really slow reader) I hadn’t even picked a name for the kid damn I started having contractions.( Mind you I’m thinking its gas or the aftermath of 2 burritos)

So off to labor and delivery we go! Could I have a baby this early?? Nah there is no way. Within an hour I’m hooked up to monitors, iv dug into my arm and I was given some medication and the contractions stopped. I was told that I had to stay on  bed rest for the next 20 weeks…I’m doing the math an I’m thinking that’s a really long time to stay in a bed??!!

After understanding that I could go out if I was in a wheelchair and could take  short walks, I’m not ok with it but hell I had no choice, these were the cards I was dealt. The doc said come back in a month and we will evaluate your situation.

Less than a month later I became really sick and started to feel kinda weird. The doc wasn’t too concerned, he said  come back in a month and I will evaluate your situation….

So now it’s 28 weeks and I’m in the wheelchair taking the hospital tour on a Monday afternoon and I became very dizzy. The nurse giving the tour suggested she take me across the hall to see my doc…sure thing…I’m a pro by now I knew he would say “come back in a month and we will evaluate your situation” Right??!!

WRONG how about he tells me you have to stay in the hospital for the next 12 weeks so we can closley evaluate your situation…..that is not what I was expecting to hear.

I’m in the hospital mind you sharing a room with another lady who was a pro at having kids. She was pregnant with baby #8…why were we sharing a room is always the question in my mind?? We shared one tv…one bathroom…our families had to share the extra cahir they have for guests…such an akward experience.

3 days later my doctor wakes me up at 5 a.m. and tells me are you ready? Ready to go home yes please!! This man answered all  my prayers, I was headed home to my own bed and no longer would have to share my tv with the lady who talked LOUD ALL NIGHT LONG ON THE PHONE…….I will grab my flip flops and we can be on our way.

WRONG. He told me  it appears that we have to deliver the baby today. Like right now??!! I’ve only been here for like 3 days and you said we had like 12 more weeks to go…what is the rush???

I haven’t even finished shopping or registering for all the baby gadgets, I hadn’t even had a baby shower, or taken any maternity photos or did one of those 3d ultrasounds at the mall??!!!

I’m now going nuts….I ‘m crying uncontrollably and in arrives a team of doctors telling me the pro’s and cons of this kid being born 12 weeks early….nothing sounded good so I advised all of them that this wasn’t going down…not today ladies and gentlemen. I was going home and coming back in 12 weeks…I just figured I knew what was best and I watched enough tv shows to know what I needed to do…pssh…. This is the part when I became dilousional and then started freaking out….Now my roomate is looking at me like I’m the annoying one.

After I calmed down long enough I heard my family having a serious conversation in the hallway with the doctor about my condition (not the most private place in the hospital)

As I laid there I told myself well this is going to end 2 ways….me having this kid or me  running up outta here with this flimsy gown, ass out flipflops on looking like I just escaped from the nut house….The escape plan was the only thing that seemed logical.

Just as I was ready to put on my jacket and go, a nurse came in and drugged me. GAME OVER.

Apparently I had no input and I was being wheeled down into the operating room.

Shortly after my attempt to escape from Alcatraz I delivered my daughter via c-section…she was 2 pounds. She was transported to Childrens Hospital. She had to be placed a  breathing machine…she had multiple blood transfusions and she stopped breathing SEVERAL TIMES and couldn’t handle being touched. She required a special bed that reminded me of a fish tank, the kind you put your hand in to touch them but can’t actually hold them.

Here I am in another hospital, still waiting to see my baby for 3 days and when I finally get there I’m told I can’t hold her. She was hooked up to a million tubes, cords, wires,and her alarm would go off every few minutes and a team of doctors would walk us out of the room while they worked on her. None of this shit was in the baby book. I prayed and cussed every day trying to make sense of how this happened.

I went home 2 weeks after her birth but when I left the hospital, she wasn’t able to come home.I had to go home without her.

When I walked into her 1/2 finished nursery I realized how effed up this situation was, this was not in the DAMN BOOK!??? Nobody told me that I could have a preemie who won’t be coming home with me….nobody said your baby will require machines to help her survive.

I’m now angry at the world, and all I could do is lay on the floor and cry for hours at a time. I prayed, I cried, I cussed, and I even made a deal. I vowed if this kid survived I’d never have another baby again…….EVER…

Nothing helped ease the pain, but what made me stronger was sitting in ICU 20 hours a day next to my daughter and watching how strong she was. She never cried when they poked her with needles, when they ran a line through her heart, when she was forced under the blue lights for days at a time…she just got stronger every day. How is this 2 pound baby stronger than me weighing XXX pounds …..you don’t need my weight but you get what I mean?

Here I am having a pity party and I’m not the one who is fighting for their life!? She’s fighting while I’m ready to give up. I met with counselors, nurses and doctors and we came up with a game plan for when she was ready to come home, We’d be ready.

In about 2 months she was ready to come home! Best and scariest day ever!All I could think of was crap she’s coming home with no monitors or nurses, how will we know what to do? What if she needs something in the middle of the night?

After she came home we left her sitting in the car seat and we sat on the floor next to her for hours…just starring at her. We gave her a bottle and eventually took her out the carseat. We set timers for her medications and we had everything figured out.It was about 6 hours later she started to cry and we tried to console her but she wouldn’t stop crying.

Why is she crying? Does she not like us? Did we do something wrong?Is the temperature in the house too cold? Is the tv too loud? Maybe that dang bouncer thingy was shaking her too much??!! Ooh lord Day One of at home parenting is a fail.

She had every right to cry, we never changed her diaper! LOL!!What kind of parents forget to change a babys diaper you ask, THE HUMAN KIND!

We are a bunch of humans full of emotions, thoughts, worries, fears, and mistakes. This was just one of many parenting mistakes, and trust me she’s 15 we’ve made a ton more.

I see so many of my friends and family members just starting to have kids and I know for a first time parent it’s scary. You really can’t be prepared for what is coming your way, unless you have a Magical 8 ball …than of course you have it all figured out.

Understand that everything is not in the book….be ready for the good stuff and be able to accept the challenging stuff too!